May. Not a great month to do NaBloPoMo if I think about it now. It was such a great theme - the whole photo thing - but May is kind of not a great month for me anymore. I know, I know, it should be a GREAT month. It really isn't. I no longer look forward to May. I am now 3-0 when it comes to Mother's Day. My sister from another mister (to borrow the phrase from her) made a face. Well I didn't see it but she just texted "Hmmmm". I know her pretty well to know that that comes with a face. But I'm pretty patient now (it came with being a mom). I can wait until my son is old enough to enjoy both special days as they should be enjoyed. Yes. BOTH special days.
I've preferred for them to go unnoticed. But we can't really have that, can we? Then, after it was over, more things and more reminders kept creeping up into my mind. You know, the whole "Is this it?", "This wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind", "I didn't struggle for this", etc. And then...then it hit me:
I thought things would be different at this age. I think they should've been. I had a plan way in the beginning. I had a certain plan for life, but you always get the plan that life has for you. I accepted it and welcomed it pretty early. But every step I took, every decision made (and I think those over and over like you have NO idea), every back up plan...not one of them led me to believe I'd be exactly at this point. It's really frustrating. Especially when it hits you after you wake up and you see your mug in the bathroom mirror. You're looking at yourself with toothpaste foam in your mouth thinking about it all. It just comes like a tidal wave. All those thoughts. They burst out of your mouth condensed to, understandably, the most fitting phrase ever for this situation. "What the fuck?"
The only one thing going very right is (like if you haven't guessed it if you've been here before) my king. It's not like I'm not doing anything to change things, either. It's just that something always happens and all of that needs to take a back seat. Have I already said it's frustrating? It might not be an age thing, though. Maybe just a life thing. Talking with a dear friend I realized she had similar feelings. I confessed that without my king I have...nothing. A few material things, but I don't count those because those aren't things things that make ME feel fulfilled. She mentioned how she has some friends that have "things" and/or reached certain "society-expected" goals, yet not have that fulfillment I'm talking about. I'm not sure I can explain it...just that I'm not exactly there.
My friend told me she decided is time for her to take the next step she feels she needs to take to get to her "place". I reached mine. My number one place: mommydom. AND I AM LOVING IT. But, that can't be it. You're probably thinking, 'there are so many women that want to have kids and can't and she's not happy enough to just be a mom." Well, first of all, I am NOT just a mom. I am NOT just a stay-at-home-mom, either. I am primary caretaker. I am 99.99% responsible for raising, not a gentleman, but a decent, considerate, responsible human being (which to me, is far more important than focusing on raising a gentleman). I am a teacher, a cook, a nurse, a bodyguard, a custodian, and Indiana Jones. And as my king starts growing, my multi-tasking jobs will become fewer and fewer...and then what will I have? Where will I be? I still try to not linger on the past, but I enjoy the present as I try to prepare for the future. That's what causes uneasy dreams.
So, once in a while I like to remind myself that there's still time. There are some days that I HAVE to remind myself that there are some people who started later in life. (Honestly, I know me better than anyone and I probably won't start freaking out until I actually turn 40. LOL) I'm not exactly sure which path life will lead me down. I'm less sure of the when. But sometimes I like to look at this image to make me feel "unlost".
|I add E.L. James to this list. I haven't read or watched,|
but she did her thing so good for her.
I don't know who this Anna Vital is, but I'm glad she created this. That Tolkien quote is pretty inspiring, too. (I LOVE The Lord of the Rings.) And although I am older than most of the people in this infographic, it still helps. So if you're feeling a little "lost", don't worry. There is still time and your path is still waiting for you.