This year we are celebrating the end of the year differently. Technically, we're taking the "celebrating" out of it. And I'm okay with it. See, lately I've been thinking a lot (more than usual) and not really about the end of the year, but of this new year we're ringing in.
I've mentioned projects I've been working on. Some of them have been giving me more work than I thought they would. Some haven't worked out as smoothly as I thought. Others have had to be put on hold because of reasons out of my control. I have to admit, it's been hectic in my brain...more than usual.
It was about a month ago though that something hit me and hit me hard. We were at the supermarket standing in line and like always I was checking out the magazine covers. There was a "TV y Novelas" magazine with Salma Hayek on the cover. I don't read the magazines. I just look at the covers and if there's a hottie on the cover I check out more pics inside (Hello, Charlie Hunnam). Anyway, this cover had a quote from the Salma Hayek interview and I had to open it up to read it.
'More than happy, I feel fulfilled.' And I automatically thought "Shit, I don't feel completely fulfilled." I am not a good mom. I am an AWESOME mom. There is no doubt in my head about that. (Although there isn't, it felt GREAT when my "mommy-muse" told me out of the blue I was doing a good job.) But, reading this interview I realized deep inside I wanted more. I want more.
I don't want not even a tenth of Salma Hayek status or anything. I just want to do something that I can feel just that: fulfilled. That when my king becomes a certain age and (sadly) inevitable leaves me, I will be more than just "an abandoned mom". (It's a joke, calm down.) It's what I've been trying to figure out and do since then. It's the path I want to find myself in in 2016.
I started thinking what happened and the truth is, it was way before I was even pregnant. Slowly, I kept doing what life was supposed to be and I think I fell out of love with myself. Okay, that may sound weird, but you HAVE to be in love with yourself. Yes, you can love you...but do you also love bacon? I do. So I have to love myself more than bacon. LOL
There was a time I loved me. I took care of myself (except for foods...such a junk food person back then). I did other things that weren't important but were the "small" things that I enjoyed doing for myself. Now I've gotten to such a point that I'm so busy doing for others (with the exception of my king) or for the home that I pushed myself to the side.
This interview I read was before Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving I got dressed and, like he always does when I get dressed up, my king says to me "Mommy princess". I cried a little more than usual this time. He sees me like that. I USED to see me like that. What happened?
So I'm thinking I'm going to start trying to fall in love with me again and I'm thinking, 'I'm going to do selfies.' Yup. Selfies. Good selfies, bad selfies, whatever. LOL. I know I make fun of people with their photo feed 90% full of selfies and I doubt I'll exaggerate that much but I'm thinking this and I come across this on the internet:
I LOVE IT. I've always said I was a queen, maybe I have to start acting like it and try to get to supreme deity status.
It's not the only thing I want for New Year's. I have learned to leave my past behind and work on the present and the future and I want to keep doing so in 2016. I want others to do the same. It's so sad when I see people dealing with the same crap over and over because they "have" to, when they don't. I wish that they learn to...sorry, gonna say it...let it go. Or as Chayanne's boyfriend in Reba says, "letitgo". (Way better was one word). LOL
I don't know if my projects are going to work out. I'm going to try and id they don't, try with my backups. I hope others take those steps, too: whatever they are, however they seem, however outrageous they may sound. And here is the universe telling me to keep hustling. I found this when I was preparing the image for this post's title:
I believe in signs. LOL This was a sign I had to share with you guys.
It's what I want for 2016. I want for all of us to be able to leave things in the past that negatively affect our future (good things from the past will always motivate us to do more). I want us to be more considerate of each other (hello, Boricua I'm talking to you). I want us to not let go of our dreams, but make sure that our dreams ARE actually OURS and not what they're supposed to be according to others. I want more laughter, more solidarity, more love among us because I'm raising an awesome child and I want him to live in an awesome world.
And because I feel that it's a step to living healthier emotionally, mentally, and physically with yourself and with others, I want you guys to fall in love with yourselves like I want to fall in love with me again. I'm determined to do this. LOL I'm going to fall back in love with me. Do little things for me. Do big things for me. Do unnecessary things for me. I want you to do the same.