My One-Year-Mom Anniversary

As of yesterday, October 10 2013 at 1:52pm, I have been a mommy for one year.  I have cried out of happiness, frustration, and anger.  I have laughed out of happiness, bewilderment, and anger (you know, when you're so angry you just laugh - or does that only happen to me?)  It hasn't been all from my king either.  It has been with this whole being a stay-at-home-mom thing.  Truth is, it doesn't get the respect it deserves and after a while, it hits a tipping point.  But, honestly, my son makes everything worthwhile.  I'm still scared, but I am loving every moment even if it doesn't go like I thought it would.

I always knew the kind of mom I wanted to be.  I wanted to document everything.  I wanted to not hover.  I wanted to just be chill and let things ride.  I don’t think I do any of those three.  I do a little of each, does that count?  I’m actually okay with that.

I wanted to take monthly pics of LM so I could see how he grows in his first year.  When he was born, LM looked a lot like his dad.  Eerily so.  I think it was the second time I was breastfeeding in the nursery at the hospital that I looked down at him and he was looking up at me…and he looked just like his daddy.  I took a pic.   I remember looking at him and going “Aawww, damn.”  To me, if mommy carries baby then baby should look like mommy. ;o)   

Another day we visited a friend at work and he had his daddy’s mean mug.  He slowly started changing to look more like me.  (Yay!)  I wanted to capture those changes.  I’m into photography (a student) so when I was pregnant I always thought it was awesome I had my own little model.  Not as easy as I thought.  I had to set everything up myself then take everything down.  I had to take the picture and get baby’s attention? No wonder photographers have assistants!!  LOL   

I was able to do a shoot in October and December.  I did my best with what I had, but between home and taking care of baby I just didn’t do those monthly shoots like I planned.  I started feeling horrible.  Don’t get me wrong.  I took pics all the time with my phone, but I wanted actual photoshoots of my growing baby.  

 After a while, I thought to myself, ‘You know what, girl?  You are enjoying your baby. Your phone is full of pictures.  You’re good.’  A lot of moms stress themselves because other moms have these perfect looking monthly photos of their growing babies.  It’s okay that you don’t.  It doesn’t mean you’re not a good mom.  They didn’t do any of that back in the day.  Are you enjoying your baby?  Are you not missing out?  Then you’re doing great.  

 I started taking his footprint.  First of all it’s not exactly easy.  Can’t do it when they’re awake, and when they’re sleeping…you have to make the decision of if you want to risk waking them up.  I did some.  Not every month.  I’d forget.  I normally have like 10 things on my mind.  Sometimes those things are constantly shifting.  I got some prints.  I hated myself when I missed some.  I’m okay with it now.  I’m a great mom with or without those footprints.

I can’t really say if I hover or not.  I’m a stay-at-home-mom so I think hovering comes with the job title.  To this day I still like to be up in his business.  I don’t care.  I’m his mom.  Yes, I want to know what the hell he has in his mouth now.  LOL  One day, when he was learning to roll over, I was washing dishes.  I left him on the floor lying on a couple of comforters I put down for him.  I looked at him and he was fine.  I scrubbed a pot, looked at him, rinsed the pot, looked at…he was gone.  

I felt my heart stop even though you can’t get into my home without going through a locked gate and then a pack of dogs.  Fine, I live in a small house, but I took two steps and was already where he was supposed to be.  He had rolled halfway under the sofa and was looking up at me smiling.  So…I hover.  I still let him explore.  I let him slowly touch my plate of hot food so he learns what hot is, but I also learned to keep one eye on what I’m doing and another eye on him.  I have even developed that gift some parents have where you can “sense” he’s getting into something he’s not supposed to without looking at him.  I still find that funny.

I am chill, though.  At least I am about my things.  I don’t explode anymore.  I don’t yell anymore.  I don’t let people’s negativity near me (well sometimes I have to, but I’ve learned to block and shut it down if it gets to be too much).  Now things that have to do with my king though…it all depends. 

I’ve been in a couple of medical situations where I wasn’t exactly as calm as his dad was when he was okay with what the doctor had said.  I never yelled, I never cursed, but I never letitgo either.  Any important dates that I need to remember go in my agenda, smartphone, and about two alarms.  When I started him on solids (I waited a little over 6 months) I would write down everything he ate.  I actually still do.  But, if he doesn’t want to eat lunch, I won’t force him.  If he gets dirty, I’m good.  A dirty kid is a happy kid, I say.  I’m not completely chill, but I do let some things ride.

I do things my way.  Don’t think his dad doesn’t have a say.  His dad has a say when it’s something he has come into on his own after thinking about it.  Not when he’s echoing something from someone else.  Slowly, he’s learned about things he’d echo before and I am so grateful for that.  When it comes to our son and how “differently” we raise him, he is as stubborn as I am.  Everyone here knows I am still Queen around here, but important decisions are still discussed.  I am not exactly the kind of mom I wanted to be and I am okay with that.  I am the kind of mom I’m supposed to be.

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