Belated Freakout

In a little over a week (eight days to be exact), my king will turn one.  ONE.  I've heard that it is one of the most anticipated milestones a parent has.  I have no idea why.  I feel that it came too fast.  I've heard of parents that get sort of anxious as their due date gets closer.  A lot of ifs ands or buts that creep into their heads.  They start doubting themselves before the baby is born.  Some still have some anxiousness left over once the baby is here, but then it goes away and they look forward to that first birthday.  My baby came and it felt so natural for me.  As if it was something I had been doing forever.  I never felt nervous, or anxious, or worried.  I knew I could take care of my baby.  And yet as I am writing this, I can't help but feel..."OH MY GOD. HE'S TURNING ONE.  WHAT THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO?"

I'm not fearing what having a child can do to me...I'm fearing what having me as a mom can do to my child.  Before he was just a baby.  He just needed me to feed him, change him, bathe him, clothe him, play with him.  The easy stuff.  (Yes, waking up before dawn to feed him was the easy stuff if you compare it to now).  But, now....NOW he's going to be learning from me.  H's been learning for quite a while now, but it's different.  This one year milestone to me means he is going to have his eyes on everything and he's going to be copying it all.

I feel I've become a better person.  I try to not be so explosive. I don't argue as much anymore, I just let things go.  I am taking things in stride.  These things are a major improvement.  I can't take credit for it, though.  It's all because of this small human being that has taken over my life.  I don't love him.  I ADORE him.  He makes me want to become a better person.  So, why am I freaking out?

Pure fear that I will turn into that mother I don't want to become.  Sad to say, but I fear turning into my own mother.  That is the last thing I want.  I've even told my partner if he sees any of her come out in me to simply call me by her name.  He's done so before I gave birth.  Admittedly, it made me angry...but I took a pause, re-examined myself and corrected my behavior.  It may sound easy, but it's not.

Then there's the whole teaching this little guy.  There are things about his dad that annoy me to no end.  Things that he doesn't see as a big deal.  Since I'm at home more (read: all the time) I notice these things more often and they really aggravate me.  There's also his attitude towards some things that I just don't get.  I've talked to him about all of this, but things change for a bit before he falls again into those habits.

I had a relative tell me it's how he and his brothers were raised so I feel I have to make sure those habits of his don't rub off on our son.  Don't get me wrong.  I have bad habits, too.  It's just that my bad habits don't really affect others around me that much.  I don't want my son to be a hermit, so I need to work on all of that.  LOL

Wow, writing that last sentence has made me smile.  I mentioned how I was freaking out to a dear friend. (I didn't mention in this post how I've always wanted to homeschool and for some reason even thinking of that now that he's turning one, freaks me out).  She had comforting words, but I still worry that I will mess this little person up.  All those fears.  All that anxiety.  All of those things that a lot of people feel around birth, I'm feeling a year later.  But, I can't be the only one who goes through this.  Can I?

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