A Heated Rant

Today’s post is supposed to be about this year’s NaNoWriMo.  That post isn’t happening today, either.  Yesterday, was supposed to be a pleasant day because we were going out to buy some things for LM’s first birthday.  But, like most of the times, BD got on my nerves p!$$ed me the f#¢k off.  I am really trying to watch my mouth, but because it dealt with something that is very dear to me (my FIRST son’s FIRST birthday), it just made me want to physically hurt BD.

Since I first found I was pregnant I became the kind of person to just walk away before things get worse and/or before I say something out of anger that may hurt the other person’s feelings.  BD, unfortunately, is the kind of person that will form a huge drama show anywhere he is.  Honestly?  I think it’s either because of his momma who’s a little drama queen at times or his ex-girlfriend who from what I heard would form a ruckus in public.  I won’t lie, in my life I have formed a ruckus…when I was younger.  I won’t now, especially not when I have my king with me.
He said something that I honestly feel he should’ve said months ago when I started planning this birthday.  Notice I didn’t say “we”?  That’s because he never would say anything except for “cool”, “nice”, “I like that”.  So, months later when he brings stuff up, it annoys me.  Like usual, it just makes what I envisioned go “poof”.  If he would’ve spoken clearly from the very beginning, I wouldn’t have been so annoyed.  Then he tries to be open at the worst possible moment.  Why?  I honestly think it’s so that I feel like crap.  Unfortunately, he has been making me feel like crap a lot lately (like when he lied to my face saying he hadn’t received something I knew for a fact he did), so when he gets me annoyed and then tries to make me feel like crap…it’s just like putting a match to a tank full of gasoline.
I think the root of the problem is, when I grew up things like birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc were special.  Even if we didn’t have the money to throw a big bash, we would do something special.  Not buy a cake and sing (if it was a birthday) to get it out of the way.  In his house, I don’t think it was like that.  Hell, I don’t even know when’s the last time they gave each other Christmas presents.  I remember the last time I bought her the present and I realized that he didn’t really care if I did or not, so to tell you the truth I stopped spending my money.  I don’t want to raise my son the way he was raised.  And I know my son right now has no clue what’s going on, but I don’t care because I do.  I always asked BD what he would do or how he would be when he had a kid.  He’d always answer with ‘well a person doesn’t really know until they’re in that position’.  I always called BS on that because I knew and so far, I’m holding true to what I thought.  I mean, okay, I thought I was going to prefer being a working mom, but that’s not the point.  The point is, it’s been almost 11 months since he’s become a father (notice I didn’t use the word “dad”) and he’s still an a$$hole.  We complement each other because I know I’m an a$$hole too, but I have changed. Yet even with my telling him he’s been letting me down since I was 7 months pregnant, he doesn’t get it.  He is absolutely clueless. The thing is he is a cool person, he just sucks at “us”.
I slept very little last night.  I kept waking up from a nightmare and then falling asleep to have basically the same one in a different way.  Sometimes I don’t know why I dream the things I dream, but that nightmare I know exactly what it meant.  It’s been bothering me since this morning.  Total rant, but I had to let it out.  I don’t even know what’s going to happen.

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